How to Discipline Kids Without Losing Their Love and Respect

"If all you have is a hammer, everything in life is a nail."

I love the idea of positive discipline, I really do. You set limits, but you don't focus on the limits or on the consequences of breaching those limits. You focus on building up a relationship with your child that makes your child actually want to listen.

At the same time, traditional disciplinarians call people who follow this path "permissive parents." And as much as positive parents raise a hue and cry about the fact that they do set limits for their children, it's sometimes hard to see how that can be done. When you tell your child "Don't do that," and they do it anyway, and you're not allowed to punish them for it...What on earth do you do?

Luckily, there are experts out there like Dr. Laura Markham who can give a list of wonderful alternatives to punishments and lectures. Take a look at her punishment alternatives and think about how you can incorporate them into your own parenting journey.

The truth? I do punish my kids. I do send them to their rooms when they can't stop slinging blocks at each other's heads. I do tell them that it's time to clean up, and if they don't, they're "choosing" to miss playing with those toys the next time. But with these punishment alternatives in our arsenal, at least punishment isn't our only tool. We can go for the more positive discipline techniques first, and only turn to punishment if all else fails. That's the best way to discipline kids without losing their love and respect, while still helping them learn right from wrong when necessary.

I've seen people punish their kids with a timeout for not eating their vegetables, or with a toy taken away because they didn't want to share it with a friend. But kids who don't want to eat their vegetables aren't doing it to rebel. And kids who are having a hard time sharing a toy aren't doing it to be mean. They're doing it because they're expressing preferences or showing a lack of skills.

Don't treat punishments as the only hammer in your toolkit. Get a screwdriver, a wrench, and maybe even a bit of sandpaper. Otherwise, you'll be smashing your child when you could be gently perfecting her.